do you know that im gone

he didn’t even realize i left! wth!

 

two days ago he bagged on me right after he said wed hang. yesterday he bagged on me and didn’t invite me. today he invited me then as soon as i got there left me alone to go spend time with his roomates. why am i in this mess.

im feeling so very alone lately. im crushing and hitting on everything that walks by with an unhealthy sense of desperateness. its like a horny dog that seeks intimacy instead of sex. men don’t know the difference.

feel like im in a dark place. but i guess thats nothing new.

 

———————

 

do you know that im gone

did you hear the silence as i fell away from you

is my absence noticed 

or are you so fixated on your games and tv shows and friends

that it hasn’t even registered

theres a hole in your world.

 

will you know when im dead

will you come to my funeral and pretend to cry

will you ask about me months after

what ever happened to that girl

that used to sit on you floor 

and stare at you

hoping you’d notice

before she was gone.

 

do you know that i’m here?

leaving

im leaving tonight. I didn’t tell him. I havent spoken to him in a long time. i don’t know why i didn’t say anything. i just wanna disappear from the world for a bit. let him know he’s not my world. let him know what it feels like to be left out of my life. like he leaves me out.

i’m taking a moment for myself. i need to get away for a bit. its all too much for me. im starting to crumble and forget myself. i wish I could take my board. but my family would flip out. and with all the other stuff im taking it would be hard to carry. i really would love to take it though. but then they’d make me take the helmet. and thats so not cool.

the moth is flying. away from the light. at least for a little while. if she would get around to changing her flight!

obsession and moth

ever think that a moth is obsessed to the point of suicidal. I mean clearly the bright thing they gravitate to is bad for them. But they’ll hurl themselves at it to the point of insanity. Recking there bodies against windows, burning themselves in fire, catching there wings in the surrounding webs over and over and over again. I mean this is what obsession does to people right. Makes a person want something thats bad for you no matter how much it hurts.

Passion

Watching Glee   the whitney episode. lots of emotion in this one. makes me think while watching kurt sing to blaine.

 

My life lacks passion. Its filled with Hate and Guilt. I’m watching him sing and i remember when I did that, when I felt that way. I need to find myself again. I need to reinvent myself. I need to cut off the rotten part of me and grow new wings. Let go of the guilt I feel for ruining someones life. Let go of the anger, jelousy and hate I feel towards the other one. Theres a reason why its all not working out.

 

Spread my wings and fly and find myself again.

Complicated

someone told me that me and my female coworker make make life so complicated that we can’t enjoy it. it seems true. why do guys have it so easy? this sounds bad but i feel like for guys, girls are easy to replace. theres always another pretty, nice, girl that can cook around the corner. good girls just arn’t that hard to find. theres tons of them. thats why theres diets and make up and cute clothes. its way easier to find a decent girl than a decent guy. the trade off is its harder to get a girl to like you than it is to get a guy to like you. but at least you have options.

therefore, as a guy, its okay to give up on your girl, not make things “complicated” because its so much easier to find a new one. its hard to find a guy that’s nice, smart, CUTE, and likes you. and packs the good stuff below. definitely hard to discover till its too late. girls, you can tell. what your getting. guys. no.  so it seems, as a girl, we try harder to “fix” our guys, relationships, whatever, and put ourselves into more complicated situations in which guys think that we should just let go and move on. men are hard to find and harder to train. Shit that guys wouldn’t put up with for a second, we forgive because we don’t wanna go through the process of finding a new one.

Also, its the numbers game. The more girls a guy gets, the more pimp he is. No shame in a high number. As a girl, after that number reaches say, 5, the girl gets that oh so horrible label of “SLUT.” The label can never be removed. The fear that one day she might find a saint of a nice guy and have to confess to a higher number than him sucks. So, mowing through guys, throwing them to the trash like yesterdays panties and quickly picking up a new one, not such a great feeling. Even if there was a place filled with random intelligent y chromosome hotties that could actually pay for there own meal, a girl probably couldn’t date through them like a buffet line.  We can preach double standard all we want but it doesn’t change how we feel about ourselves after the number gets a bit higher than we want.

So we try not to burn bridges with the exs. We continue to try to get all the guys to still be friends with us after all the shit they put us through. And even when we should say “asta la vista” and move on to the next ab honed honey, we hold back whine over our current slacker gaming bf. Why do our masochistic female minds cause us to do stupid things over and over again thinking that the next time the results will be different?  Are there just not enough decent men in there world? Are we afraid of being labeled as sluts? Are we ultimately afraid of being rejected and alone? Do we have higher standards than men? Why is it we try so much harder than men to make things work out instead of bouncing from guy to guy? I don’t know hopefully someone can tell me why we make things so “complicated.”

on kids

so here’s one of those things that i’ve never talked to anyone about and no one knows about me. my thoughts on kids. specifically me and kids.

in general, i hate the creatures. i genuinely do not enjoy being around peoples kids. they’re mindless uncivilized ridiculous little attention hogging selves kinda annoy me. i like having time to myself. i can not see myself giving up this time for another human being. they’re dirty icky little grown ups that drive me nuts. they come in my store and im trying to do everything i can not to hit them with my forklift because they don’t have the sense of survivability to move out of the way. annoying little creatures that should be raised by B.F Skinner untill out of the public eye and they’re trained enough to be of some use to society.

Im pretty sure this was one of the breaking points of my last relationship. He wanted kids. i didn’t. it went to hell. at that point it was a minor financial reason to not want children. but loosing him kinda pushed me to the actual un-liking of kids.

i couldn’t see myself sharing him with another person, sharing his attention and time. i was that insecure. i wanted him all to myself. i don’t know whats wrong with me but the nice thing about a blog is a person can at least admit that to themselves. i am selfish and thats why i don’t have kids. not saying it doesn’t make it not true. just makes it unknown.

and then this guy walks into the store with what looks like a 2 or 3 year old little boy named Logan. blond hair, blue eyes, pulling a little wagon with a truck on it. the wagons home made. he’s pointing to the gate at my forklift in awe going “whats that?” he reminds me so much of someone i just melt. the dads cold as hell. spends hours in the store dragging the kid around, leaving the kid around loosing the kid. i just keep looking at this boy and wondering “what if?” its as if I could see “someone” standing next to him, showing him the store and the tools and telling him “what daddy does for a living.” and i just stopped and watched this for a while lost. because for the first time in my life i imagined what it would be like to watch a kid get raised by someone i cared about. how i would watch them play games together how i would watch my “someone” teach the kid things. how i would love to sit and watch two peoples lives play out in front of me without being jelous or needing attention. it was the wierdest most unnerving feeling and i have no one to talk about it with.

later the dad came around the corner. he had lost logan. people were running around the store. for some reason i could hear him from very far away but im not sure if it was real or imagined. i followed the sound and found the kid in the parking log, sitting in front of the road on one of our tractors. when the dad finally found us he didn’t seem worried. he said thanks then walked across the street to get a cart. logan followed him across the moving traffic, he didn’t look back. he left his wagon in my department till later. he spent the rest of the afternoon leaving logan behind. and i thought, i could actually be a better parent then someone. how scary is that?

this has been haunting my mind lately. i can’t get that kid out of my head.

 

 

Beach Girl

im not blonde with blue eyes

not skinny with endless legs

no butt, long stomach, or hair blowing in the wind

sparkling smile or soft white skin

 

i am burnt from the sun like a crisp golden beach

with eyes that are only green when they’re red

my hair changes color with styles, moods, and summers

my teeth rarely show unless its to growl

 

my short legs are fast and can climb high fruit trees

my strangle-kelp hair can break any brush

my tummy’s not flat but can eat opihi, ice cream and Tabasco sauce at once

i may not be tall but i can dive head first from cliffs and through an 8ft set

 

a makeup less face the same at sunrise and sunset

ratty old clothes not afraid to get wet

flat bare feet over hot sharp rocks

green bottles good times and upside down socks

(cause i don’t know the difference.)

 

know that when you get a local girl

she may not look like the models on tv

but she just maybe

something better.