On why I blog
After I posted the angry swearing rant before this, I thought I’d come on to apologize. I then realized I actually might have people who read this thing and freaked out. My brain automatically started censoring itself, worrying about whether what I write either entertains or offends people who may read this. I went through this and started thinking about things I should delete, or wondering whether I should stick to a theme or one type of topic that would be of interest to readers to get more readers.
Then I remembered why I started doing this.
Remember Myspace? Remember blogs, where you really wrote what you wanted? My myspace was a true expression of whoever I was at the moment through themes, pics, blogs, rants, happy poems. My friends were people I really was friends with, who knew me well enough that I never worried about sharing my thoughts with them. They never got the wrong idea or took it the wrong way.
Then came Facebook. Now suddenly people who aren’t my friends are my “friends.” Coworkers, people I barely know, relatives, parents, grandparents, exs, non-exs, strangers from other countries, people I hated in high school, elementary school teachers. People I would otherwise not want to talk to ever are on there.
The thing is, you can’t write shit with all these people around. Every time I write any post, any one like “oh im mad about work.” I have to sit there and go through all these lists of people and figure out who it might offend or who might rat me out to someone else. Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. I have to have a “public face.” “family face.” Any poem I write gets responses of “is this about so and so. Are you fighting?” I have to go through my own page and censor other people’s posts so other groups of people don’t get the wrong idea. “Don’t be mad hunny.” <aunt> “don’t be so dark people might thing stuff.” <mom> “don’t act weird. Try to be normal.” All the time.
And I thought, if I can’t be myself, then why do I do this. I mean, Facebook makes me miserable. It’s the perfect example of me struggling to be someone im not for people’s opinions I don’t really care about. I almost deleted Facebook until I found the one old friend I was looking for for years. Then I thought, okay I’ll find somewhere else to express myself.
So I try to truly express what I want to write about, not what I should write about. Whether its happy or stupid or emo or angry. Because at some point everyone needs to stop being an empty shell and start finding out who they really are. I need to do that by not creating myself in the image people want, but by exposing my thoughts even if there not entertaining or assimilating.
So if you do read my junk, a big thank you to you. I do apologize if its not always “good stuff” or if it sometimes offends or if the subject matter changes more than my socks. This is for me.