blood soaked wings.

 

 

 

i try to fly

with soaken wings

to the light

in the mist of all these fucked up things

i try to be a better person

while they all hold me down

tell me i am nothing

tell me i am better than them all

i try to be a good person

in a dark dark world

with blood soaked wings

and scary things

lurking in my head

 

i try to be the better person

but i’m becoming YOU instead.

 

 

random blurb

so im not supposed to vent or express myself never show weakness.

this is the problem. always have to be the alpha. always have to be better than everybody else. can’t ask for help. look how far thats getting us.

i can’t figure anyone out these days.

going nowhere fast

okay heres where i stand and why im mad

life, aint going no where.

my job: filled with favoritism and bull shit. managers that don’t like smart employees because smart employees are the threat so they crush you if they see you advancing. so if you do a good job you hide it so your not a threat to anyone but then you get in trouble for not being worth your weight in feces. add that to the fact that i work for the most misogynistic  male dominated piece of shit company that only appreciates big arms and sees me as a useless little girl that  is lucky to have a job. the only women that get on the good list are the ones that use sex and there bodies and bat there eyes to get anywhere. i am not sexy. i am hard working, humble, and plain. i do not wear tight pants, have a big ass, or kiss ass. in other words, im not going anywhere soon with this job no matter how hard i try.

 

my “relationship:”  what relationship?  everyone assumes i have one. “why don’t you guys live together?” “why don’t you guys come to work together” “why arn’t you guys married” “doesn’t he support or help you out?”

he won’t even give me a frickin sandwhich when im starving. when i’m bleeding from an accident he tells me “don’t bleed on my shit. you woke me up.” he doesn’t check to see im all right after ive dissapeared for days. he never calls. one time i didn’t have money for medicine to save my life, he said he was saving it so i had to drive across the island to the ex to save my life. always the frickin case.

he says he can’t ever cohabitate with me. that im messy. ive said this before but this screams “NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!” every time he chooses himself over me in serious situations. the years i spent sleeping on floors, in my car, so he could be comfortable. i can’t figure out of this is a mainland thing or he’s always been a douche. im pretty sure i’ve written a tone about his douchinesss. i told myself i’d see if we were going anywhere. we are: backwards.

 

my personal life: i struggle making friends. i just don’t trust anyone. everyone wants something from me. my art career aint going no where. don’t have time for shows due to stupid job. don’t have time for friends cause whenever i make some is when he calls me back. shit ain’t going nowhere fast around here.

 

i told myself if anything was going forward, i would stay and try it out. if he asked to live together it would give me a reason to stay. but i have more chance of winning the lottery. so i guess i gotta figure out some way to get outta here, distance myself from the thing i let pull me back, and find a place where my talents are appreciated instead of feared.

relatioship

this is what a relationship is to me:

partners – one suffers both suffer. one prospers, both prosper. equal living conditions, if one starves, the other splits whatever they have and they both eat something. real partners are there for eachother when the other falters or needs help.

decisions – big life decisions that affect both of them are at least talked about and both sides give opinions. moving, new jobs, things that take time away from them being together. not “i’ll make this decision and if it doesn’t work oh well.”

living – if people never ever intend to comprimise and live together, then the relationship isn’t ever headed anywhere. how can you like someone but not stand the idea of living with them.

im tired of being a fuck toy.

nights n assholes

nights:

i look at you and i see me. the bitterness, the biasness, the negativity. allready you think your better, you separate yourself from people who one week ago were all you cared about. you give me the “what we did for you” speech you thought was stupid a month ago. and i think, was i negative to be around.
you act like you don’t remember constantly telling me not to be lazy. like i didn’t do the things you do for so long. like its all yours. you act like you didn’t ask me a million times why i did the things i did. it irratates me to no end how you forgot what my life was like and act like your the first person on earth to go through this.
your little precious world that was once mine. your friends that were once mine.

i have too many secrets, they have too many questions

i tend not to write when im happy. its the draw back. trade happiness for art. which to choose. guess im a pessimist if a don’t think both are good. not quite reaching for the light am i. i don’t care. just because i like the idea doesn’t make me a hypocrite for not acting like im on prozac 24 hours a day. 🙂 now that sounds a bit more like me.

things are as usual… disheartening and shitty.

first, i got kicked out of my night job by my bitch of a boss. to be replaced by my “friend” thats a guy. bull shit. been reeking havoc on my new coworkers ever since. struggling to get along with people. absolutely hating my new job. not happy about the situation.

there is one light in the tunnel. these past 2 weeks have been miserable. and my boss asks me if i wanna go for a motorcycle ride. im not off (thanks boss) so i cant but he says after his vacation he’ll take me. finally one thing to look forward to. thats pulling me forward.

im more broke as a joke then ive ever been taking out loans just to keep my head up. but im gonna keep trying. me and my grandma eating saimin so we can afford dog food. got a bottle of tequilla in the passenger seat and stole a humoungous bottle of silver bacardi sitting in the back seat. wont need to buy beer for a while. it helps me sleep.

jackass says he can’t stand the idea of me smoking, it bothers him. but it also bothers him that i don’t like him smoking he can’t understand why it would bug me. i never smoked again. it really didn’t do shit for me so i was over it anyway. just kinda pissed cause there it is, fat ass elephant, between us again. sitting there as the line that we fight over. that was the whole point in doing it. so it wouldn’t be a fucking big deal anymore and we could move past it. but stuck in the same shitty boat again.

same shit over again. he’s irras w me cause i went off on him for taking my job 2 weeks ago. so hes being a dick. im irras cause this shit aint going anywhere. he tells everyone we could never cohabitate cause im a mess. like he knows shit about me. he knows nothing about me. tells me to talk but when i do he gets irratated and kicks me out. fuckin stupid dick head. don’t know why i put up with his bullshit except that his friendship is the only semi positive thing i have right now thats not ridden with guild and irritance. i just wish he could see the person i really am, not the person he thinks i am cause then i think hed see, yea shes perfect to cohabitate with. all i wanna do is sit in my room and keep to myself and live with someone who doesn’t need to always be entertained. thats who he things i am, someone who needs attention, someone who never cleans her messes.  and the fact that we can’t talk w o him getting upset, that theres no chance after all this time of cohabitating tells me its never fuckin gonna happen. so now what. why keep beating a dead horse and trying to make a life here that will never work.

my job blows chunks. im good at it but my coworkers are dumbasses. all they do is sit and flirt with eachother all fucking day. alll day long. and im older, professional, and just wanna work and get shit done. i have no patience for this bullshit, thats why i was a night person. they take it personal if i yell at them. i dread going to that place.

my home life is horrible. i don’t want to be here. im hidiously lonely. im used to having someone around, someone just be there. keep me company without needing entertainment. most of the time this place is filled with people i don’t wanna see. i have too many secrets, they have too many questions.  i don’t want to talk to anyone. this place makes me miserable, it sucks my energy just makes me want to sleep. so i try to run away but then i annoy the jackass cause he says i don’t give him space. he doesn’t realize he’s the only place between these too horrible worlds i can go.

so im living in my car. which pisses him off more cause its a mess. and he tells people hes tired of me. and i really need to just go. get on a a plane and leave. but im not financially prepared. and i don’t know where to go. i want to live on my own and find my own place in the world. not just sponge off anyone else and live there lives.

and i am so frustrated with my life. and im stuck with these ginny pigs and they don’t get taken care of when im gone for the weekend.

how can someone work so hard, for almost twice minimum wage, and not be able to afford a place to live or food to eat. how can someone be surrounded by so many people who seem to care about her and be so lonely. how can i be in the relationships for so long and they not work out. how can i be so close to someone but be so far from them.

i describe him as Anima, from ff10. hes like that monster with the rib cage. and im fighting and fighting. and everyone once in a while the monster opens his ribs and starts flashing and you know thats when the shields down and you can attack. except when this monster opens his ribs, theres a very friendly, real, intelligent blue eyed boy sitting there and instead of attacks you throw some words in there, honest how you feel, and he hears a couple of them before he closes up again and turns the other way. and then you gotta fight so more until a couple months later you get that moment when Anima starts flashing again.

Everyone has something to look forward to. Everyone needs something to look forward to. This is the secret to escaping depression and suicide. pick one thing in your life, one little thing that you look forward to. Whether its watching a kid you know go on there first date, or seeing your favorite team go to the superbowl. If you have something, anything, you can take another step forward.

Right now, I have getting on the back of a motorcycle. That maybe it, but its something, for now. I need to go out and find me some opportunity.

-Sibhi

 

Amazon Queen on Death Bed

i wear my heart on a sleeve for all the world to see

this is me. broken and bleeding

you call the things i write garbage
you claim the things i say are atomospheric trash
the way you laugh
constantly at my charecter
your eyes that roll
your head that turns
in the night you holding me only long enough for your satisfaction
then you push me out the door.

why do i do this to myself
its not your fault i stay
why i can’t i turn and walk away from your cold reception of me
you don’t want me
i know
others want me
i see
why am i still at your door step
begging
for you to take me in.

who is this pathetic mess
waiting for the clock to tick
waiting for the text
that never comes
having no life but yours
life as your whore is a very lonely existence
what happened
to the amazon queen
i once knew.
——–

Amazon Queen

Amazon Queen
of legends
warrior of heart and soul
bullet proof from harsh words and conformity
stood tall on her island
where others fell.

they tore down my tress
they uprooted my beautiful jungle
they ripped from the earth everything i held dear
burned my grass shack to the ground.
still i fought. one battle after another.
unconquered.

one man
the warrior of glass
through his spear
strait through my heart
watched me struggle in the sand
bleeding out. reaching
unsure of how to deal with the pain
having always been invincible
i thrash and struggle
he puts his weight on the end
the sharp blade digging deeper
the spears shaft driving through my body
pinning me to my island
i look at him with pity
let me go
but he ignores me
kicks dirt in my face
and walks away
laughing

and the once powerful Warrior Queen
finally learns to cry.