on being tough (more hunger games)

this is continued from the other hunger games post but its shitty writing so i didn’t wanna mess up the other post with it.  its about the song Eyes Open by taylor swift and it basically just sucks 😀 lol read the other one. peace 😀

*blah blah blah this is the uninteresting part where i while about my life but now i thought of something more interesting to write about so ill probably erase this boring stuff below.*

 
this is how i see life:

its a battle, we are soldiers fighting our own war and every person we meet is an enemy waiting to cut us down. but we fight with smiles, and the right words. “hi how are you doing.” our armor is wearing the right clothes, the make up, the hair. every person you meet theres new rules and tactics to deal with them. more correct words you need to say. “sure. that will be no problem. i really like what you’ve done with your hair. how are you today”

and then if you falter, you fail.

i feel like everyones constantly waiting for me to fail. so they can pounce. i constantly turn into a different “me” for every person i know. “The good girl.” “The party girl.” “The quiet girl.” If at anytime i fail to be what they want, they will eject me from there lives.

“The friends roomates” wait for the one water drip, the one piece of toilet paper, so they can tell me i can’t come by and not have to see me. “The Friend” waits for me to say something wrong, not be perfect so he can find someone new. “the ex friend” waits for me to slip up so he can rage on me and blame the world on me. my parents constantly watching for signs of imperfection. last week i was molested in a parking lot while another guy peed on my car. think i told anyone. no way. because i have to be perfect and ill get yelled at for getting myself in that situation in the first place.
so i gotta be tough. i gotta be perfect. i gotta be happy. i gotta hide everything i feel, every bad day, every thing that happens to me from everyone and just smile. because this is the battle. this is why i say im tough. cause there all waiting for me to fail. theres no room for sleep or rest, i have to always be on the look out.

even in my sleep im afraid ill say the wrong persons name so even then im on guard.

some people are lucky. they have someone they can rest next to. someone who won’t judge them or cast them out for stupid comments or mistakes. someone they don’t have a million secrets from because even the slightest one will send them running away. those people take it for granted because they don’t know what it feels like to never stop pretending, to always try to be what everyone wants.

you may not see the armor that weighs me down but its there. all the time. life is a constant battle to hide the truth, not to let anyone see whats inside so they can’t reject it.

 

 

 

 

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