the ahole and his toilet

on respect…

i catch this a lot. “what did you say to me?” “don’t take that tone of voice with me.” people can always dish it but they can’t take it. especially men. its like if i say something back there balls shrivell up and they need to assert themselves to get them back.

one thing i absolutely hate is this machismo bull shit. here is an example of the shit i put up with all the time.

“uh. could you do me a favor. could you please learn to flush the toilet because its really gross if i have to go in there after you and theres shit in it.”

no. i do not reply that i did not use the toilet. it wasn’t me. that you’ve analyzed the toilet after i used it that last 47 times checking. that i flush it three times and double check so you’ll stop telling the world i don’t know how to take a dump. i calmly say “ok. no problem.” over and over and over…

“hey, could you wipe up any spot of water in the bathroom. hey could you make sure theres no drops of water on the sink.” can you see why i feel picked on? what would you do.

so tonight i made the mistake of talking back. very unlime myself. and all shit broke loose.

asshole: “did you make sure you flushed!” *laughter*

me: “yes. would you like to check to see if I wiped?” (attempt at humor)

asshole: “what did you say to me! you better not have! not in my house. wipe your ass…” blah blah blah

friend: “that was uncool. don’t be sarcastic with him.”

so im getting tired of having people hold shit over my head. all the time. again my whole life, i avoid being in debt to anyone so they can’t hold shit over my head like this. if i don’t kiss his ass then i cant visit my friend. if i don’t suck up to my uncle then he’ll cut down my roses or trash my car. wtf people. not my fault you are so insecure you always see me as the person to pick on to make yourself feel better.

this guy treats me like a dog with worms wiping my ass across his house. i mean, literally, treats me like shit. if they have a get together with friends with dinner, im the only one who never gets offered any food. if i do eat, its off my friends plate like a dog. never my own. all i do is go to my friends room, nap on the floor, and occasionally when no one is around use the bathroom. i don’t use the fridge, i was the dishes, i don’t set foot in the living room. i just nap on the floor of my friends bedroom and eat handouts and drink water. and they feel they are so generous.

im not greedy. but “asshole” does not pay rent nor give me anything. i wouldn’t be there except for the friend. and im really tired of kissing peoples asses because they want “respect.” respect is earned and doesn’t come with age or a cock.

going nowhere fast

okay heres where i stand and why im mad

life, aint going no where.

my job: filled with favoritism and bull shit. managers that don’t like smart employees because smart employees are the threat so they crush you if they see you advancing. so if you do a good job you hide it so your not a threat to anyone but then you get in trouble for not being worth your weight in feces. add that to the fact that i work for the most misogynistic  male dominated piece of shit company that only appreciates big arms and sees me as a useless little girl that  is lucky to have a job. the only women that get on the good list are the ones that use sex and there bodies and bat there eyes to get anywhere. i am not sexy. i am hard working, humble, and plain. i do not wear tight pants, have a big ass, or kiss ass. in other words, im not going anywhere soon with this job no matter how hard i try.

 

my “relationship:”  what relationship?  everyone assumes i have one. “why don’t you guys live together?” “why don’t you guys come to work together” “why arn’t you guys married” “doesn’t he support or help you out?”

he won’t even give me a frickin sandwhich when im starving. when i’m bleeding from an accident he tells me “don’t bleed on my shit. you woke me up.” he doesn’t check to see im all right after ive dissapeared for days. he never calls. one time i didn’t have money for medicine to save my life, he said he was saving it so i had to drive across the island to the ex to save my life. always the frickin case.

he says he can’t ever cohabitate with me. that im messy. ive said this before but this screams “NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!” every time he chooses himself over me in serious situations. the years i spent sleeping on floors, in my car, so he could be comfortable. i can’t figure out of this is a mainland thing or he’s always been a douche. im pretty sure i’ve written a tone about his douchinesss. i told myself i’d see if we were going anywhere. we are: backwards.

 

my personal life: i struggle making friends. i just don’t trust anyone. everyone wants something from me. my art career aint going no where. don’t have time for shows due to stupid job. don’t have time for friends cause whenever i make some is when he calls me back. shit ain’t going nowhere fast around here.

 

i told myself if anything was going forward, i would stay and try it out. if he asked to live together it would give me a reason to stay. but i have more chance of winning the lottery. so i guess i gotta figure out some way to get outta here, distance myself from the thing i let pull me back, and find a place where my talents are appreciated instead of feared.