on kids

so here’s one of those things that i’ve never talked to anyone about and no one knows about me. my thoughts on kids. specifically me and kids.

in general, i hate the creatures. i genuinely do not enjoy being around peoples kids. they’re mindless uncivilized ridiculous little attention hogging selves kinda annoy me. i like having time to myself. i can not see myself giving up this time for another human being. they’re dirty icky little grown ups that drive me nuts. they come in my store and im trying to do everything i can not to hit them with my forklift because they don’t have the sense of survivability to move out of the way. annoying little creatures that should be raised by B.F Skinner untill out of the public eye and they’re trained enough to be of some use to society.

Im pretty sure this was one of the breaking points of my last relationship. He wanted kids. i didn’t. it went to hell. at that point it was a minor financial reason to not want children. but loosing him kinda pushed me to the actual un-liking of kids.

i couldn’t see myself sharing him with another person, sharing his attention and time. i was that insecure. i wanted him all to myself. i don’t know whats wrong with me but the nice thing about a blog is a person can at least admit that to themselves. i am selfish and thats why i don’t have kids. not saying it doesn’t make it not true. just makes it unknown.

and then this guy walks into the store with what looks like a 2 or 3 year old little boy named Logan. blond hair, blue eyes, pulling a little wagon with a truck on it. the wagons home made. he’s pointing to the gate at my forklift in awe going “whats that?” he reminds me so much of someone i just melt. the dads cold as hell. spends hours in the store dragging the kid around, leaving the kid around loosing the kid. i just keep looking at this boy and wondering “what if?” its as if I could see “someone” standing next to him, showing him the store and the tools and telling him “what daddy does for a living.” and i just stopped and watched this for a while lost. because for the first time in my life i imagined what it would be like to watch a kid get raised by someone i cared about. how i would watch them play games together how i would watch my “someone” teach the kid things. how i would love to sit and watch two peoples lives play out in front of me without being jelous or needing attention. it was the wierdest most unnerving feeling and i have no one to talk about it with.

later the dad came around the corner. he had lost logan. people were running around the store. for some reason i could hear him from very far away but im not sure if it was real or imagined. i followed the sound and found the kid in the parking log, sitting in front of the road on one of our tractors. when the dad finally found us he didn’t seem worried. he said thanks then walked across the street to get a cart. logan followed him across the moving traffic, he didn’t look back. he left his wagon in my department till later. he spent the rest of the afternoon leaving logan behind. and i thought, i could actually be a better parent then someone. how scary is that?

this has been haunting my mind lately. i can’t get that kid out of my head.

 

 

on being tough (more hunger games)

this is continued from the other hunger games post but its shitty writing so i didn’t wanna mess up the other post with it.  its about the song Eyes Open by taylor swift and it basically just sucks 😀 lol read the other one. peace 😀

*blah blah blah this is the uninteresting part where i while about my life but now i thought of something more interesting to write about so ill probably erase this boring stuff below.*

 
this is how i see life:

its a battle, we are soldiers fighting our own war and every person we meet is an enemy waiting to cut us down. but we fight with smiles, and the right words. “hi how are you doing.” our armor is wearing the right clothes, the make up, the hair. every person you meet theres new rules and tactics to deal with them. more correct words you need to say. “sure. that will be no problem. i really like what you’ve done with your hair. how are you today”

and then if you falter, you fail.

i feel like everyones constantly waiting for me to fail. so they can pounce. i constantly turn into a different “me” for every person i know. “The good girl.” “The party girl.” “The quiet girl.” If at anytime i fail to be what they want, they will eject me from there lives.

“The friends roomates” wait for the one water drip, the one piece of toilet paper, so they can tell me i can’t come by and not have to see me. “The Friend” waits for me to say something wrong, not be perfect so he can find someone new. “the ex friend” waits for me to slip up so he can rage on me and blame the world on me. my parents constantly watching for signs of imperfection. last week i was molested in a parking lot while another guy peed on my car. think i told anyone. no way. because i have to be perfect and ill get yelled at for getting myself in that situation in the first place.
so i gotta be tough. i gotta be perfect. i gotta be happy. i gotta hide everything i feel, every bad day, every thing that happens to me from everyone and just smile. because this is the battle. this is why i say im tough. cause there all waiting for me to fail. theres no room for sleep or rest, i have to always be on the look out.

even in my sleep im afraid ill say the wrong persons name so even then im on guard.

some people are lucky. they have someone they can rest next to. someone who won’t judge them or cast them out for stupid comments or mistakes. someone they don’t have a million secrets from because even the slightest one will send them running away. those people take it for granted because they don’t know what it feels like to never stop pretending, to always try to be what everyone wants.

you may not see the armor that weighs me down but its there. all the time. life is a constant battle to hide the truth, not to let anyone see whats inside so they can’t reject it.

 

 

 

 

i have too many secrets, they have too many questions

i tend not to write when im happy. its the draw back. trade happiness for art. which to choose. guess im a pessimist if a don’t think both are good. not quite reaching for the light am i. i don’t care. just because i like the idea doesn’t make me a hypocrite for not acting like im on prozac 24 hours a day. 🙂 now that sounds a bit more like me.

things are as usual… disheartening and shitty.

first, i got kicked out of my night job by my bitch of a boss. to be replaced by my “friend” thats a guy. bull shit. been reeking havoc on my new coworkers ever since. struggling to get along with people. absolutely hating my new job. not happy about the situation.

there is one light in the tunnel. these past 2 weeks have been miserable. and my boss asks me if i wanna go for a motorcycle ride. im not off (thanks boss) so i cant but he says after his vacation he’ll take me. finally one thing to look forward to. thats pulling me forward.

im more broke as a joke then ive ever been taking out loans just to keep my head up. but im gonna keep trying. me and my grandma eating saimin so we can afford dog food. got a bottle of tequilla in the passenger seat and stole a humoungous bottle of silver bacardi sitting in the back seat. wont need to buy beer for a while. it helps me sleep.

jackass says he can’t stand the idea of me smoking, it bothers him. but it also bothers him that i don’t like him smoking he can’t understand why it would bug me. i never smoked again. it really didn’t do shit for me so i was over it anyway. just kinda pissed cause there it is, fat ass elephant, between us again. sitting there as the line that we fight over. that was the whole point in doing it. so it wouldn’t be a fucking big deal anymore and we could move past it. but stuck in the same shitty boat again.

same shit over again. he’s irras w me cause i went off on him for taking my job 2 weeks ago. so hes being a dick. im irras cause this shit aint going anywhere. he tells everyone we could never cohabitate cause im a mess. like he knows shit about me. he knows nothing about me. tells me to talk but when i do he gets irratated and kicks me out. fuckin stupid dick head. don’t know why i put up with his bullshit except that his friendship is the only semi positive thing i have right now thats not ridden with guild and irritance. i just wish he could see the person i really am, not the person he thinks i am cause then i think hed see, yea shes perfect to cohabitate with. all i wanna do is sit in my room and keep to myself and live with someone who doesn’t need to always be entertained. thats who he things i am, someone who needs attention, someone who never cleans her messes.  and the fact that we can’t talk w o him getting upset, that theres no chance after all this time of cohabitating tells me its never fuckin gonna happen. so now what. why keep beating a dead horse and trying to make a life here that will never work.

my job blows chunks. im good at it but my coworkers are dumbasses. all they do is sit and flirt with eachother all fucking day. alll day long. and im older, professional, and just wanna work and get shit done. i have no patience for this bullshit, thats why i was a night person. they take it personal if i yell at them. i dread going to that place.

my home life is horrible. i don’t want to be here. im hidiously lonely. im used to having someone around, someone just be there. keep me company without needing entertainment. most of the time this place is filled with people i don’t wanna see. i have too many secrets, they have too many questions.  i don’t want to talk to anyone. this place makes me miserable, it sucks my energy just makes me want to sleep. so i try to run away but then i annoy the jackass cause he says i don’t give him space. he doesn’t realize he’s the only place between these too horrible worlds i can go.

so im living in my car. which pisses him off more cause its a mess. and he tells people hes tired of me. and i really need to just go. get on a a plane and leave. but im not financially prepared. and i don’t know where to go. i want to live on my own and find my own place in the world. not just sponge off anyone else and live there lives.

and i am so frustrated with my life. and im stuck with these ginny pigs and they don’t get taken care of when im gone for the weekend.

how can someone work so hard, for almost twice minimum wage, and not be able to afford a place to live or food to eat. how can someone be surrounded by so many people who seem to care about her and be so lonely. how can i be in the relationships for so long and they not work out. how can i be so close to someone but be so far from them.

i describe him as Anima, from ff10. hes like that monster with the rib cage. and im fighting and fighting. and everyone once in a while the monster opens his ribs and starts flashing and you know thats when the shields down and you can attack. except when this monster opens his ribs, theres a very friendly, real, intelligent blue eyed boy sitting there and instead of attacks you throw some words in there, honest how you feel, and he hears a couple of them before he closes up again and turns the other way. and then you gotta fight so more until a couple months later you get that moment when Anima starts flashing again.

Everyone has something to look forward to. Everyone needs something to look forward to. This is the secret to escaping depression and suicide. pick one thing in your life, one little thing that you look forward to. Whether its watching a kid you know go on there first date, or seeing your favorite team go to the superbowl. If you have something, anything, you can take another step forward.

Right now, I have getting on the back of a motorcycle. That maybe it, but its something, for now. I need to go out and find me some opportunity.

-Sibhi

 

another weekend gone

another weekend gone, another monday. and yet this one i can’t stop thinking about. im afraid to move forward into a new day. afraid to learn that it was all nothing it was all fake and afraid to be smashed down. i had a good weekend. i don’t want it to be taken away by harsh words or someones mean text.

i did it. i let go. everything i described earlier of just wanting to let go and enjoy myself i did. sat night. i had one night where i stopped being the control freak. stopped hiding what i wanted and asked. i did something ill probably never do again and i really enjoyed it.

and now im not sure what to do. what can i do that can possibly compare with such an amazing night. i promised never to do it again. and i wont. i guess for one night i felt normal, loved, un-judged, and happy. and now im not sure what im supposed to do.

if the rest of my life could be like that night, where i can be myself and be loved without worrying about loosing everything, i would be happy. But i’m afraid to find out that that’s impossible and will never happen. So i’m afraid to move forward.

I guess I really have no choice. Heres to taking the first step and discovering if the future is as bleak and it seems.

Last night I got stoned and bloody for the first time

Last night I got stoned and bloody.

I went out to be social last night, still reeling from the motorcycle positivity and open mindedness on Friday.

So I hung out at a friends house, drank half a beer, while they got stoned. Did not know you could get “contact high” from second hand smoke. But, apparently I did for the first time. Heres my thoughts on that.

I always thought getting high from pot would be like that feeling of ecstasy right after really good sex when the room is spinning and your entire body feels good. Or like the adrenaline off going 100 mph with the wind in your hair. Mind altering like a 70s movie where the world looks like candy land and everyone’s funny and happy and you have the urge to be Michelangelo the painter.

It aint shit! It was boring. I was like “this is it?” Okay slightly relaxed, a bit friendlier and more mellow. But shit, I get more chemical changes in my body from a can of red bull or a beer. This is barely anything. This slight spaciness is worth dumping girlfriends, loosing jobs, starving cause your broke, getting kicked outta your house, burning you family, hurting people, and basically giving up everything in your life? Wtf?!! This! This is nothing. All that hype. I get better rush off jumping off a waterfall. I always thought the extreme things I do was to make up for the fact that I wasn’t getting high so I can catch up with everybody. Its nothing compared to my normal life. Its boooorrring! Omg I can not believe this little thing means so much to people. Its stupid. Idiots. It just made me feel really lazy. Fuck that I’m going back to skateboarding.

Which is what I did high and drunk. I bombed a hill with my longboard. Lucky there was no cars. I was racing a skateboarder, not realizing how much faster a long board is. I passed her, flyin. Approaching the bottom of the hill I realized my foot coordination and balance was off. Saw the gravel and sharp turn. First thought that ran through my head: “Never go faster than you can run.” Yea. I knew I couldn’t run that fast. But I tried!

Tried to do the running jump off my board. Got three steps across the road. The last step was too slow. I went flying. Skidded across the road to the grass. Someone ended up flipping over bashing the back of my head on something hard. Realized the next day I owned an helmet and I had never skated without it. First time and I crash. Left forarm cut up. Upper left arm, scrapped. Stomach scraped from when shirt ran up. Left thumb, Bruised! Never saw the pad of a thumb bruised very strange. Back of head, possible concussion. Right knee worst part, bleeding. Ass, hurts.

I’m lying on the ground saying “my head hurts. It really fuckin hurts.” Afraid that I might have to go to the hospital stoned. The guy I just met sprints down the neighborhood freakin out trying to make sure I was okay. Apparently I had just missed hitting a metal pole which I would have if I hadn’t tripped. They try getting me up. Then they take my board.

I’m up in a second. I take it away from them. And I ride back. My friend says I’m ready to learn to ride a dirt bike.

* Sibhi

mama says

Lesson Learned:1.  weed aint shit, much better highs in life. 2. probably not a good idea to ride drunk or high. 3. long-boards way faster than skateboards. 4. I can handle.