on kids

so here’s one of those things that i’ve never talked to anyone about and no one knows about me. my thoughts on kids. specifically me and kids.

in general, i hate the creatures. i genuinely do not enjoy being around peoples kids. they’re mindless uncivilized ridiculous little attention hogging selves kinda annoy me. i like having time to myself. i can not see myself giving up this time for another human being. they’re dirty icky little grown ups that drive me nuts. they come in my store and im trying to do everything i can not to hit them with my forklift because they don’t have the sense of survivability to move out of the way. annoying little creatures that should be raised by B.F Skinner untill out of the public eye and they’re trained enough to be of some use to society.

Im pretty sure this was one of the breaking points of my last relationship. He wanted kids. i didn’t. it went to hell. at that point it was a minor financial reason to not want children. but loosing him kinda pushed me to the actual un-liking of kids.

i couldn’t see myself sharing him with another person, sharing his attention and time. i was that insecure. i wanted him all to myself. i don’t know whats wrong with me but the nice thing about a blog is a person can at least admit that to themselves. i am selfish and thats why i don’t have kids. not saying it doesn’t make it not true. just makes it unknown.

and then this guy walks into the store with what looks like a 2 or 3 year old little boy named Logan. blond hair, blue eyes, pulling a little wagon with a truck on it. the wagons home made. he’s pointing to the gate at my forklift in awe going “whats that?” he reminds me so much of someone i just melt. the dads cold as hell. spends hours in the store dragging the kid around, leaving the kid around loosing the kid. i just keep looking at this boy and wondering “what if?” its as if I could see “someone” standing next to him, showing him the store and the tools and telling him “what daddy does for a living.” and i just stopped and watched this for a while lost. because for the first time in my life i imagined what it would be like to watch a kid get raised by someone i cared about. how i would watch them play games together how i would watch my “someone” teach the kid things. how i would love to sit and watch two peoples lives play out in front of me without being jelous or needing attention. it was the wierdest most unnerving feeling and i have no one to talk about it with.

later the dad came around the corner. he had lost logan. people were running around the store. for some reason i could hear him from very far away but im not sure if it was real or imagined. i followed the sound and found the kid in the parking log, sitting in front of the road on one of our tractors. when the dad finally found us he didn’t seem worried. he said thanks then walked across the street to get a cart. logan followed him across the moving traffic, he didn’t look back. he left his wagon in my department till later. he spent the rest of the afternoon leaving logan behind. and i thought, i could actually be a better parent then someone. how scary is that?

this has been haunting my mind lately. i can’t get that kid out of my head.

 

 

on being tough (more hunger games)

this is continued from the other hunger games post but its shitty writing so i didn’t wanna mess up the other post with it. ¬†its about the song Eyes Open by taylor swift and it basically just sucks ūüėÄ lol read the other one. peace ūüėÄ

*blah blah blah this is the uninteresting part where i while about my life but now i thought of something more interesting to write about so ill probably erase this boring stuff below.*

 
this is how i see life:

its a battle, we are soldiers fighting our own war and every person we meet is an enemy waiting to cut us down. but we fight with smiles, and the right words. “hi how are you doing.” our armor is wearing the right clothes, the make up, the hair. every person you meet theres new rules and tactics to deal with them. more correct words you need to say. “sure. that will be no problem. i really like what you’ve done with your hair. how are you today”

and then if you falter, you fail.

i feel like everyones constantly waiting for me to fail. so they can pounce. i constantly turn into a different “me” for every person i know. “The good girl.” “The party girl.” “The quiet girl.” If at anytime i fail to be what they want, they will eject me from there lives.

“The friends roomates” wait for the one water drip, the one piece of toilet paper, so they can tell me i can’t come by and not have to see me. “The Friend” waits for me to say something wrong, not be perfect so he can find someone new. “the ex friend” waits for me to slip up so he can rage on me and blame the world on me. my parents constantly watching for signs of imperfection. last week i was molested in a parking lot while another guy peed on my car. think i told anyone. no way. because i have to be perfect and ill get yelled at for getting myself in that situation in the first place.
so i gotta be tough. i gotta be perfect. i gotta be happy. i gotta hide everything i feel, every bad day, every thing that happens to me from everyone and just smile. because this is the battle. this is why i say im tough. cause there all waiting for me to fail. theres no room for sleep or rest, i have to always be on the look out.

even in my sleep im afraid ill say the wrong persons name so even then im on guard.

some people are lucky. they have someone they can rest next to. someone who won’t judge them or cast them out for stupid comments or mistakes. someone they don’t have a million secrets from because even the slightest one will send them running away. those people take it for granted because they don’t know what it feels like to never stop pretending, to always try to be what everyone wants.

you may not see the armor that weighs me down but its there. all the time. life is a constant battle to hide the truth, not to let anyone see whats inside so they can’t reject it.

 

 

 

 

420 and im not 420ing.

on 420

i don’t smoke pot. if you’ve read this before you’ll know i tried it once, appreciate the benefits, but do not feel that i need a really bad habit that could cost me everything.

on the other hand, if i didn’t work at 5 fucking am tommorow i could really use it. overly stressed and need an escape. plane tickets are expensive. don’t feel like puking tequilla. and i theres no cliff to jump off right now. and there seems to be a current shortage on hot guys with motorcycles tonight.

so yes, right now with all the love and sharing going around, it would be an awesome night to get high. but no, as usual my responsible ass is at home writing blogs instead of releasing my stress through other means. cause i know doing so will prob just mean stress later. spec since i work in like 6 hours.

if ever there was a time where i needed to just not give a shit this would be it. but i do. and im not a stoner. and i don’t need to be cause im tough as hell and can handle.

on self censorship myspace and facebook

also… i’m kinda missing myspace. i used to be able to write shit like this on myspace. how i felt, poems, what i was thinking. i didn’t have to be anonymous because back them people didn’t take all your words and throw them back at you later. myspace friends were your actual friends not your critics. ¬†you don’t ever write anything real on fb. not with all these people you don’t really wanna be friends with on there. you have to edit everything. “what if my coworkers see this. what if my grandaunts see this. what if my ex sees this. oh this might offend these people.” then your stuck in that little “custom” privacy box trying to edit who reads it just incase it may offend people. then your rewriting a one sentence post to make sure it doesn’t offend people and it just irritates me more cause thats not being real. whats the point in expressing yourself online if you have to kiss ass and be fake as much as you do in real life.

the ahole and his toilet

on respect…

i catch this a lot. “what did you say to me?” “don’t take that tone of voice with me.” people can always dish it but they can’t take it. especially men. its like if i say something back there balls shrivell up and they need to assert themselves to get them back.

one thing i absolutely hate is this machismo bull shit. here is an example of the shit i put up with all the time.

“uh. could you do me a favor. could you please learn to flush the toilet because its really gross if i have to go in there after you and theres shit in it.”

no. i do not reply that i did not use the toilet. it wasn’t me. that you’ve analyzed the toilet after i used it that last 47 times checking. that i flush it three times and double check so you’ll stop telling the world i don’t know how to take a dump. i calmly say “ok. no problem.” over and over and over…

“hey, could you wipe up any spot of water in the bathroom. hey could you make sure theres no drops of water on the sink.” can you see why i feel picked on? what would you do.

so tonight i made the mistake of talking back. very unlime myself. and all shit broke loose.

asshole: “did you make sure you flushed!” *laughter*

me: “yes. would you like to check to see if I wiped?” (attempt at humor)

asshole: “what did you say to me! you better not have! not in my house. wipe your ass…” blah blah blah

friend: “that was uncool. don’t be sarcastic with him.”

so im getting tired of having people hold shit over my head. all the time. again my whole life, i avoid being in debt to anyone so they can’t hold shit over my head like this. if i don’t kiss his ass then i cant visit my friend. if i don’t suck up to my uncle then he’ll cut down my roses or trash my car. wtf people. not my fault you are so insecure you always see me as the person to pick on to make yourself feel better.

this guy treats me like a dog with worms wiping my ass across his house. i mean, literally, treats me like shit. if they have a get together with friends with dinner, im the only one who never gets offered any food. if i do eat, its off my friends plate like a dog. never my own. all i do is go to my friends room, nap on the floor, and occasionally when no one is around use the bathroom. i don’t use the fridge, i was the dishes, i don’t set foot in the living room. i just nap on the floor of my friends bedroom and eat handouts and drink water. and they feel they are so generous.

im not greedy. but “asshole” does not pay rent nor give me anything. i wouldn’t be there except for the friend. and im really tired of kissing peoples asses because they want “respect.” respect is earned and doesn’t come with age or a cock.

 

 

 

a little bug

with broken wings

and a more shattered mind

filled with scary things.

 

a bucket of blood

after a sharp reply

a harsh said word

followed by glass in the eye

 

them with the pins

trapping me in place

there labels and categories

seeing nothing they can’t replace

 

and one little moth

with her blood soaked wings

still trys to fly

still trys to break free.

going nowhere fast

okay heres where i stand and why im mad

life, aint going no where.

my job: filled with favoritism and bull shit. managers that don’t like smart employees because smart employees are the threat so they crush you if they see you advancing. so if you do a good job you hide it so your not a threat to anyone but then you get in trouble for not being worth your weight in feces. add that to the fact that i work for the most¬†misogynistic¬†¬†male dominated piece of shit company that only appreciates big arms and sees me as a useless little girl that ¬†is lucky to have a job. the only women that get on the good list are the ones that use sex and there bodies and bat there eyes to get anywhere. i am not sexy. i am hard working, humble, and plain. i do not wear tight pants, have a big ass, or kiss ass. in other words, im not going anywhere soon with this job no matter how hard i try.

 

my “relationship:” ¬†what relationship? ¬†everyone assumes i have one. “why don’t you guys live together?” “why don’t you guys come to work together” “why arn’t you guys married” “doesn’t he support or help you out?”

he won’t even give me a frickin sandwhich when im starving. when i’m bleeding from an accident he tells me “don’t bleed on my shit. you woke me up.” he doesn’t check to see im all right after ive dissapeared for days. he never calls. one time i didn’t have money for medicine to save my life, he said he was saving it so i had to drive across the island to the ex to save my life. always the frickin case.

he says he can’t ever cohabitate with me. that im messy. ive said this before but this screams “NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!” every time he chooses himself over me in serious¬†situations. the years i spent sleeping on floors, in my car, so he could be comfortable. i can’t figure out of this is a mainland thing or he’s always been a douche. im pretty sure i’ve written a tone about his douchinesss. i told myself i’d see if we were going anywhere. we are: backwards.

 

my personal life: i struggle making friends. i just don’t trust anyone. everyone wants something from me. my art career aint going no where. don’t have time for shows due to stupid job. don’t have time for friends cause whenever i make some is when he calls me back. shit ain’t going nowhere fast around here.

 

i told myself if anything was going forward, i would stay and try it out. if he asked to live together it would give me a reason to stay. but i have more chance of winning the lottery. so i guess i gotta figure out some way to get outta here, distance myself from the thing i let pull me back, and find a place where my talents are appreciated instead of feared.

i have too many secrets, they have too many questions

i tend not to write when im happy. its the draw back. trade happiness for art. which to choose. guess im a pessimist if a don’t think both are good. not quite reaching for the light am i. i don’t care. just because i like the idea doesn’t make me a hypocrite for not acting like im on prozac 24 hours a day. ūüôā now that sounds a bit more like me.

things are as usual… disheartening and shitty.

first, i got kicked out of my night job by my bitch of a boss. to be replaced by my “friend” thats a guy. bull shit. been reeking havoc on my new coworkers ever since. struggling to get along with people.¬†absolutely¬†hating my new job. not happy about the situation.

there is one light in the tunnel. these past 2 weeks have been miserable. and my boss asks me if i wanna go for a motorcycle ride. im not off (thanks boss) so i cant but he says after his vacation he’ll take me. finally one thing to look forward to. thats pulling me forward.

im more broke as a joke then ive ever been taking out loans just to keep my head up. but im gonna keep trying. me and my grandma eating saimin so we can afford dog food. got a bottle of tequilla in the passenger seat and stole a humoungous bottle of silver bacardi sitting in the back seat. wont need to buy beer for a while. it helps me sleep.

jackass says he can’t stand the idea of me smoking, it bothers him. but it also bothers him that i don’t like him smoking he can’t understand why it would bug me. i never smoked again. it really didn’t do shit for me so i was over it anyway. just kinda pissed cause there it is, fat ass elephant, between us again. sitting there as the line that we fight over. that was the whole point in doing it. so it wouldn’t be a fucking big deal anymore and we could move past it. but stuck in the same shitty boat again.

same shit over again. he’s irras w me cause i went off on him for taking my job 2 weeks ago. so hes being a dick. im irras cause this shit aint going anywhere. he tells everyone we could never cohabitate cause im a mess. like he knows shit about me. he knows nothing about me. tells me to talk but when i do he gets irratated and kicks me out. fuckin stupid dick head. don’t know why i put up with his bullshit except that his friendship is the only semi positive thing i have right now thats not ridden with guild and irritance. i just wish he could see the person i really am, not the person he thinks i am cause then i think hed see, yea shes perfect to cohabitate with. all i wanna do is sit in my room and keep to myself and live with someone who doesn’t need to always be entertained. thats who he things i am, someone who needs attention, someone who never cleans her messes. ¬†and the fact that we can’t talk w o him getting upset, that theres no chance after all this time of cohabitating tells me its never fuckin gonna happen. so now what. why keep beating a dead horse and trying to make a life here that will never work.

my job blows chunks. im good at it but my coworkers are dumbasses. all they do is sit and flirt with eachother all fucking day. alll day long. and im older, professional, and just wanna work and get shit done. i have no patience for this bullshit, thats why i was a night person. they take it personal if i yell at them. i dread going to that place.

my home life is horrible. i don’t want to be here. im hidiously lonely. im used to having someone around, someone just be there. keep me company without needing entertainment. most of the time this place is filled with people i don’t wanna see. i have too many secrets, they have too many questions.¬† i don’t want to talk to anyone. this place makes me miserable, it sucks my energy just makes me want to sleep. so i try to run away but then i annoy the jackass cause he says i don’t give him space. he doesn’t realize he’s the only place between these too horrible worlds i can go.

so im living in my car. which pisses him off more cause its a mess. and he tells people hes tired of me. and i really need to just go. get on a a plane and leave. but im not financially prepared. and i don’t know where to go. i want to live on my own and find my own place in the world. not just sponge off anyone else and live there lives.

and i am so frustrated with my life. and im stuck with these ginny pigs and they don’t get taken care of when im gone for the weekend.

how can someone work so hard, for almost twice minimum wage, and not be able to afford a place to live or food to eat. how can someone be surrounded by so many people who seem to care about her and be so lonely. how can i be in the relationships for so long and they not work out. how can i be so close to someone but be so far from them.

i describe him as Anima, from ff10. hes like that monster with the rib cage. and im fighting and fighting. and everyone once in a while the monster opens his ribs and starts flashing and you know thats when the shields down and you can attack. except when this monster opens his ribs, theres a very friendly, real, intelligent blue eyed boy sitting there and instead of attacks you throw some words in there, honest how you feel, and he hears a couple of them before he closes up again and turns the other way. and then you gotta fight so more until a couple months later you get that moment when Anima starts flashing again.

Everyone has something to look forward to. Everyone needs something to look forward to. This is the secret to escaping depression and suicide. pick one thing in your life, one little thing that you look forward to. Whether its watching a kid you know go on there first date, or seeing your favorite team go to the superbowl. If you have something, anything, you can take another step forward.

Right now, I have getting on the back of a motorcycle. That maybe it, but its something, for now. I need to go out and find me some opportunity.

-Sibhi