on kids

so here’s one of those things that i’ve never talked to anyone about and no one knows about me. my thoughts on kids. specifically me and kids.

in general, i hate the creatures. i genuinely do not enjoy being around peoples kids. they’re mindless uncivilized ridiculous little attention hogging selves kinda annoy me. i like having time to myself. i can not see myself giving up this time for another human being. they’re dirty icky little grown ups that drive me nuts. they come in my store and im trying to do everything i can not to hit them with my forklift because they don’t have the sense of survivability to move out of the way. annoying little creatures that should be raised by B.F Skinner untill out of the public eye and they’re trained enough to be of some use to society.

Im pretty sure this was one of the breaking points of my last relationship. He wanted kids. i didn’t. it went to hell. at that point it was a minor financial reason to not want children. but loosing him kinda pushed me to the actual un-liking of kids.

i couldn’t see myself sharing him with another person, sharing his attention and time. i was that insecure. i wanted him all to myself. i don’t know whats wrong with me but the nice thing about a blog is a person can at least admit that to themselves. i am selfish and thats why i don’t have kids. not saying it doesn’t make it not true. just makes it unknown.

and then this guy walks into the store with what looks like a 2 or 3 year old little boy named Logan. blond hair, blue eyes, pulling a little wagon with a truck on it. the wagons home made. he’s pointing to the gate at my forklift in awe going “whats that?” he reminds me so much of someone i just melt. the dads cold as hell. spends hours in the store dragging the kid around, leaving the kid around loosing the kid. i just keep looking at this boy and wondering “what if?” its as if I could see “someone” standing next to him, showing him the store and the tools and telling him “what daddy does for a living.” and i just stopped and watched this for a while lost. because for the first time in my life i imagined what it would be like to watch a kid get raised by someone i cared about. how i would watch them play games together how i would watch my “someone” teach the kid things. how i would love to sit and watch two peoples lives play out in front of me without being jelous or needing attention. it was the wierdest most unnerving feeling and i have no one to talk about it with.

later the dad came around the corner. he had lost logan. people were running around the store. for some reason i could hear him from very far away but im not sure if it was real or imagined. i followed the sound and found the kid in the parking log, sitting in front of the road on one of our tractors. when the dad finally found us he didn’t seem worried. he said thanks then walked across the street to get a cart. logan followed him across the moving traffic, he didn’t look back. he left his wagon in my department till later. he spent the rest of the afternoon leaving logan behind. and i thought, i could actually be a better parent then someone. how scary is that?

this has been haunting my mind lately. i can’t get that kid out of my head.



those who don’t understand my job


sometimes people don’t understand my job and that it does to me.

i work the graveyard shift. i do very physical labor intensive work. its not easy but its rewarding. people who have never done it don’t seem to understand. and yes, yet another post inspired by my mom.

“People” think that I sit around sleep being lazy all day. They think I have all day off to do things. They yell at me, when are you gonna do this or get this done. You have all the time in the world. Wish I could sit around all day. They expect me to help out or run errands because I have all day off.

They wake me up at 10am. Sometimes at 8am. They tell me ive been sleeping all day. I need to do something with myself. I get off work at 6am.

Even friends get frustrated if I sleep a lot. Want to do stuff like go hiking, then after they get to come home and go to sleep. I leave for work strait from a day of hard riding. They don’t realize what I put my body through when I do this. They dont feel any empathy as they crack open a cold one or go to bed. They sit there going “uh im so tired and I have to work at 6am tommorow.” and i’m thinking “lucky you i have to go to work right now.”

Then theres the why are you tired. Its not a desk job! I am sore, my bodys recouperating for tonight. Physical hobbies and lifestyle + physical job = me tired! My family has never done anything physical before. They just don’t get it. They tell me, “well its your fault. you should just quit.” this annoys me to no end. Not “wow were proud of you for working hard.” just “live off someone else like us, be lazy. make bills, not pay your debts” mentality.

Shit, some empathy and pride instead of distain and making me feel like every ache i get i deserve because im doing something wrong.

*sigh* Daylighters.

on: mother – ambition (rant)

you ever realize random ways your parents fucked you up one way at a time? here’s one of them.

my mother likes to “ask” people to do things. when I say ask i mean order with a question mark at the end in a self righteous sick pleasure sort of way. “Can you *insert unnecessary demand here” is said with an undertone of “you will be doing this because you owe me.”

everything my mom does comes with a catch later on. Maybe all people are like this but my mom does it in a very sly way. She enjoys finding ways to control and fuck up anything someone may want. It will be the day my dads hunting permit is good for that some random shit that’s been sitting broken all year needs to be fixed now. It will be when his friends are waiting that she starts one something. She knows he’s about to find happiness and is actually happy that she found some way to make him responsible for something else.

and she makes you choose too. never her. oh no. its always “oh, are your friends more important than your family? you choose them over your kids?” when its something really minor like staying home watching everyone sit on there computers and phones (its called family time here). its always something that can be done any other day, but she says it has to be done now. Its always “but your grandma wants you home” or “could you spend time with your nephew” or “your sister wants to spend time with you.” but there usually not even home and if they are i just sit in my room by myself because that’s what she wants.

she’s always used something in the past as “you owe it to your family” or “this was done for you”. It could be something in the future. If I said i wanted to go to a football game next Friday, it would be one week strait of “do this or you wont go to the game.” Gosh help when the thing i wanted was a month in advance.

Sounds fine if your a teenager, not so great if your an adult or her husband.

So what did this do to me growing up? Well it taught me to want absolutely nothing! No pillows, no chocolate, don’t look forward to anything. If you want nothing, nothing can be taken away from you. If you don’t enjoy anything, they can’t take that away either. And if you never ever borrow anything or ask for help for anything, no one will use it to bribe you later.

I take this very far. I have lived virtually miserable my entire life, never taking enjoyment in anything. I mean it. I enjoyed nothing, had no hobbies or clubs, no friends or boyfriends. I’m pretty much a frickin hermit. Even books get taken away. if i get caught reading a novel, she’ll hide it till I do what she wants.

I am extremely passive, I let people walk all over me. I let people yell at me. I always “take the black crab.” I pick leftovers no one wants. I wear second hand clothes, mostly from salvation army bags. I took a pay day loan out to feed my pets instead of asking for help. I say no to anything free, I reject anyone nice from being my friend. I keep myself ugly  and in the shadows. I have horrible self esteem. 

I basically try to live life as unobtrusively and quiet as possible. To make as little waves as I can and never be noticed.

And now, when I’m going crazy and really need to get away, she finds something else to bribe me with. This time its not even fair cause I can’t give it back or say I don’t want it. Cause its not even my thing. If I don’t do what she says, she’ll cause someone else misery on my behalf.

Yes, she will bribe you with acts of kindness or goods that arn’t even hers. She’ll give dad the guilt trip of “oh well someone has to put food on the table” when she doesn’t buy food. She’ll complain “well i’m trying to cook you dinner so if you could do something around here” when she doesn’t cook. and now, she bribes me when someone else is using a car thats not hers! and she gets pleasure out of ordering me to do things because of this.

I’m kinda pissed. and i didn’t even write this pissed. slightly irritated but more so objective. *sigh*