a little bug

with broken wings

and a more shattered mind

filled with scary things.

 

a bucket of blood

after a sharp reply

a harsh said word

followed by glass in the eye

 

them with the pins

trapping me in place

there labels and categories

seeing nothing they can’t replace

 

and one little moth

with her blood soaked wings

still trys to fly

still trys to break free.

going nowhere fast

okay heres where i stand and why im mad

life, aint going no where.

my job: filled with favoritism and bull shit. managers that don’t like smart employees because smart employees are the threat so they crush you if they see you advancing. so if you do a good job you hide it so your not a threat to anyone but then you get in trouble for not being worth your weight in feces. add that to the fact that i work for the most misogynistic  male dominated piece of shit company that only appreciates big arms and sees me as a useless little girl that  is lucky to have a job. the only women that get on the good list are the ones that use sex and there bodies and bat there eyes to get anywhere. i am not sexy. i am hard working, humble, and plain. i do not wear tight pants, have a big ass, or kiss ass. in other words, im not going anywhere soon with this job no matter how hard i try.

 

my “relationship:”  what relationship?  everyone assumes i have one. “why don’t you guys live together?” “why don’t you guys come to work together” “why arn’t you guys married” “doesn’t he support or help you out?”

he won’t even give me a frickin sandwhich when im starving. when i’m bleeding from an accident he tells me “don’t bleed on my shit. you woke me up.” he doesn’t check to see im all right after ive dissapeared for days. he never calls. one time i didn’t have money for medicine to save my life, he said he was saving it so i had to drive across the island to the ex to save my life. always the frickin case.

he says he can’t ever cohabitate with me. that im messy. ive said this before but this screams “NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!” every time he chooses himself over me in serious situations. the years i spent sleeping on floors, in my car, so he could be comfortable. i can’t figure out of this is a mainland thing or he’s always been a douche. im pretty sure i’ve written a tone about his douchinesss. i told myself i’d see if we were going anywhere. we are: backwards.

 

my personal life: i struggle making friends. i just don’t trust anyone. everyone wants something from me. my art career aint going no where. don’t have time for shows due to stupid job. don’t have time for friends cause whenever i make some is when he calls me back. shit ain’t going nowhere fast around here.

 

i told myself if anything was going forward, i would stay and try it out. if he asked to live together it would give me a reason to stay. but i have more chance of winning the lottery. so i guess i gotta figure out some way to get outta here, distance myself from the thing i let pull me back, and find a place where my talents are appreciated instead of feared.

rant: my boss again

i’m barely holding onto my job at this point. i think there trying to get rid of me so there trying to push me.

you know what, im fuckin pissed.

dear my boss:

Because i want my job so badly, I will do whatever you tell me to do. You are my boss and you have earned the right to give me ridiculous tasks. You tell me two opposite things, i will still attempt to do them. If you tell me to start a pallet at 5:30am but not to get overtime, i will still try. If you tell me to put a pallet up without a behr tag, or put a shopping cart where it doesn’t belong, then blame me when upper management gets mad, i will take the heat for it. Because you are my boss and I am a lemming and you have earned that right.

I will not, however, take hearing the unprofessional bullshit that spews out of your mouth any longer. It is not professional to constantly name call, tease, insult, or talk about your employees to their peers. I have heard you talk about me to all of my coworkers and I am now almost completely ostracized from my team. I have heard you say very personal things about everyone in the store to my coworkers. I don’t know what you have against me personally, but this needs to stop.

If you want me to do something myself, tell me. You want me to do all the aisles, say so. Don’t tell my coworkers “don’t help her, she doesn’t work as hard as you. she deserves to suffer.” I feel like you are trying to get me fired.

Everything that has gone wrong with this crew is because of you. You turned us against eachother. Everytime someone offers to help me, you order them not to, or tell them something untrue about me. “Rosa did all her pallets.” no she didn’t. you let other people take credit for my work all the time. you tell managers things about me.

If you have a problem with me or the amount of work i’ve done, you tell me. Stop turning my coworkers against me. We used to be a team. If I wanted to do 26s handstacks and small boxes, and he wants to do my big stuff because we’d both be faster, nothing is wrong with that. Its efficient.

I have kept my mouth shut this long because my job depends on you. But my sanity is starting to go and I look bad at my job because of you. You will become a professional boss and stop using your employees as your peers.

They may like to gossip about everyone on the day crew, but this is night crew and we have too much work to do to tolerate that shit.

Sibhi

those who don’t understand my job

 

sometimes people don’t understand my job and that it does to me.

i work the graveyard shift. i do very physical labor intensive work. its not easy but its rewarding. people who have never done it don’t seem to understand. and yes, yet another post inspired by my mom.

“People” think that I sit around sleep being lazy all day. They think I have all day off to do things. They yell at me, when are you gonna do this or get this done. You have all the time in the world. Wish I could sit around all day. They expect me to help out or run errands because I have all day off.

They wake me up at 10am. Sometimes at 8am. They tell me ive been sleeping all day. I need to do something with myself. I get off work at 6am.

Even friends get frustrated if I sleep a lot. Want to do stuff like go hiking, then after they get to come home and go to sleep. I leave for work strait from a day of hard riding. They don’t realize what I put my body through when I do this. They dont feel any empathy as they crack open a cold one or go to bed. They sit there going “uh im so tired and I have to work at 6am tommorow.” and i’m thinking “lucky you i have to go to work right now.”

Then theres the why are you tired. Its not a desk job! I am sore, my bodys recouperating for tonight. Physical hobbies and lifestyle + physical job = me tired! My family has never done anything physical before. They just don’t get it. They tell me, “well its your fault. you should just quit.” this annoys me to no end. Not “wow were proud of you for working hard.” just “live off someone else like us, be lazy. make bills, not pay your debts” mentality.

Shit, some empathy and pride instead of distain and making me feel like every ache i get i deserve because im doing something wrong.

*sigh* Daylighters.

on: my manager

 

The Management:

The management at my job sucks. I hate working for people who are dumber than me.

I can’t say shit cause im not a favorite. the company plays favorites. the little ass kissers who run around happy all the time. the guys who work till there backs literally break, thinking that the company will help them out when it happens. the bitches who whine, cry, bend over and bat there eyes. I am not one of them. Therefore, I am not favored. Its always gonna be my word vs theres. And who do you think they’ll keep. Not me.

I’m always hanging just on the edge. They think im useless. I’m not. But I don’t brag about my accomplishments like everyone else. Others take credit for all of my work. Oh well.

The company promotes “brutes” to management. Being in a male dominated work environment, its the ones that are always lifting heavy shit that get all the attention. Not the ones that do all the little things. What kind of leaders does this create? Bad ones. They take good hardworking laborers and turn them into paper pushers. So you looks the hard workers and end up with shitty bosses.

These people have no background in leadership training or management. Only the meager training the store provides. Pushy bosses are encourages. Be firm, treat your employees like peons. Yes! This makes you an excellent boss. Were going to reward you with more promotions and you will continue improving on your “tyrannical” style of leadership.

I hear people ordering employees around saying “you don’t go anywhere unless I tell you too. Unless I give an order you do nothing else! You go that!” That sure encourages  initiative.

My “Boss”

my bosses response to every question is “you should know the answer to that by now.” no i have never asked the question before.

every complaint is “well its your responsibility to take care of that.” yea. everytime i complain about something someone else doesn’t do it becomes part of my job description.

if i could tell her anything without getting fired i’d say “if your not gonna make decisions, and your not gonna voice our concerts to your fellow managers, then what use are you as a manager.”

This is whats considered a good manager. Because she encourages us to do more by not doing it herself. Instead her deciding who cleans where, she made up a “captain” from the employees to do it for her. I say thats one less job for her. But to upper management, she’s a genius.

I call her the stonewall. Because my store has a linear hierarchy of managers, any concern or improvement must go through my boss to the next in line above her and then back down to the other bosses. So if I tell her something, and she blows it off, its dead in the water. Same with everyone else. Then later on the upper management is like “why haven’t I ever heard of this before?” Because your managers blow it off and theres no one else we can talk to.

So I tried to voice my opinion. and i got in a shouting fight with her. and now i’m even more in shits creek than usual. I hate shitty bosses. i hate shitty peers that are favored when i work ten times harder. i hate not having anyone to go to with my concerns.  my job fuckin sucks right now. and im the one suffering for it.