on: mother – ambition (rant)

you ever realize random ways your parents fucked you up one way at a time? here’s one of them.

my mother likes to “ask” people to do things. when I say ask i mean order with a question mark at the end in a self righteous sick pleasure sort of way. “Can you *insert unnecessary demand here” is said with an undertone of “you will be doing this because you owe me.”

everything my mom does comes with a catch later on. Maybe all people are like this but my mom does it in a very sly way. She enjoys finding ways to control and fuck up anything someone may want. It will be the day my dads hunting permit is good for that some random shit that’s been sitting broken all year needs to be fixed now. It will be when his friends are waiting that she starts one something. She knows he’s about to find happiness and is actually happy that she found some way to make him responsible for something else.

and she makes you choose too. never her. oh no. its always “oh, are your friends more important than your family? you choose them over your kids?” when its something really minor like staying home watching everyone sit on there computers and phones (its called family time here). its always something that can be done any other day, but she says it has to be done now. Its always “but your grandma wants you home” or “could you spend time with your nephew” or “your sister wants to spend time with you.” but there usually not even home and if they are i just sit in my room by myself because that’s what she wants.

she’s always used something in the past as “you owe it to your family” or “this was done for you”. It could be something in the future. If I said i wanted to go to a football game next Friday, it would be one week strait of “do this or you wont go to the game.” Gosh help when the thing i wanted was a month in advance.

Sounds fine if your a teenager, not so great if your an adult or her husband.

So what did this do to me growing up? Well it taught me to want absolutely nothing! No pillows, no chocolate, don’t look forward to anything. If you want nothing, nothing can be taken away from you. If you don’t enjoy anything, they can’t take that away either. And if you never ever borrow anything or ask for help for anything, no one will use it to bribe you later.

I take this very far. I have lived virtually miserable my entire life, never taking enjoyment in anything. I mean it. I enjoyed nothing, had no hobbies or clubs, no friends or boyfriends. I’m pretty much a frickin hermit. Even books get taken away. if i get caught reading a novel, she’ll hide it till I do what she wants.

I am extremely passive, I let people walk all over me. I let people yell at me. I always “take the black crab.” I pick leftovers no one wants. I wear second hand clothes, mostly from salvation army bags. I took a pay day loan out to feed my pets instead of asking for help. I say no to anything free, I reject anyone nice from being my friend. I keep myself ugly  and in the shadows. I have horrible self esteem. 

I basically try to live life as unobtrusively and quiet as possible. To make as little waves as I can and never be noticed.

And now, when I’m going crazy and really need to get away, she finds something else to bribe me with. This time its not even fair cause I can’t give it back or say I don’t want it. Cause its not even my thing. If I don’t do what she says, she’ll cause someone else misery on my behalf.

Yes, she will bribe you with acts of kindness or goods that arn’t even hers. She’ll give dad the guilt trip of “oh well someone has to put food on the table” when she doesn’t buy food. She’ll complain “well i’m trying to cook you dinner so if you could do something around here” when she doesn’t cook. and now, she bribes me when someone else is using a car thats not hers! and she gets pleasure out of ordering me to do things because of this.

I’m kinda pissed. and i didn’t even write this pissed. slightly irritated but more so objective. *sigh*