i have too many secrets, they have too many questions

i tend not to write when im happy. its the draw back. trade happiness for art. which to choose. guess im a pessimist if a don’t think both are good. not quite reaching for the light am i. i don’t care. just because i like the idea doesn’t make me a hypocrite for not acting like im on prozac 24 hours a day. 🙂 now that sounds a bit more like me.

things are as usual… disheartening and shitty.

first, i got kicked out of my night job by my bitch of a boss. to be replaced by my “friend” thats a guy. bull shit. been reeking havoc on my new coworkers ever since. struggling to get along with people. absolutely hating my new job. not happy about the situation.

there is one light in the tunnel. these past 2 weeks have been miserable. and my boss asks me if i wanna go for a motorcycle ride. im not off (thanks boss) so i cant but he says after his vacation he’ll take me. finally one thing to look forward to. thats pulling me forward.

im more broke as a joke then ive ever been taking out loans just to keep my head up. but im gonna keep trying. me and my grandma eating saimin so we can afford dog food. got a bottle of tequilla in the passenger seat and stole a humoungous bottle of silver bacardi sitting in the back seat. wont need to buy beer for a while. it helps me sleep.

jackass says he can’t stand the idea of me smoking, it bothers him. but it also bothers him that i don’t like him smoking he can’t understand why it would bug me. i never smoked again. it really didn’t do shit for me so i was over it anyway. just kinda pissed cause there it is, fat ass elephant, between us again. sitting there as the line that we fight over. that was the whole point in doing it. so it wouldn’t be a fucking big deal anymore and we could move past it. but stuck in the same shitty boat again.

same shit over again. he’s irras w me cause i went off on him for taking my job 2 weeks ago. so hes being a dick. im irras cause this shit aint going anywhere. he tells everyone we could never cohabitate cause im a mess. like he knows shit about me. he knows nothing about me. tells me to talk but when i do he gets irratated and kicks me out. fuckin stupid dick head. don’t know why i put up with his bullshit except that his friendship is the only semi positive thing i have right now thats not ridden with guild and irritance. i just wish he could see the person i really am, not the person he thinks i am cause then i think hed see, yea shes perfect to cohabitate with. all i wanna do is sit in my room and keep to myself and live with someone who doesn’t need to always be entertained. thats who he things i am, someone who needs attention, someone who never cleans her messes.  and the fact that we can’t talk w o him getting upset, that theres no chance after all this time of cohabitating tells me its never fuckin gonna happen. so now what. why keep beating a dead horse and trying to make a life here that will never work.

my job blows chunks. im good at it but my coworkers are dumbasses. all they do is sit and flirt with eachother all fucking day. alll day long. and im older, professional, and just wanna work and get shit done. i have no patience for this bullshit, thats why i was a night person. they take it personal if i yell at them. i dread going to that place.

my home life is horrible. i don’t want to be here. im hidiously lonely. im used to having someone around, someone just be there. keep me company without needing entertainment. most of the time this place is filled with people i don’t wanna see. i have too many secrets, they have too many questions.  i don’t want to talk to anyone. this place makes me miserable, it sucks my energy just makes me want to sleep. so i try to run away but then i annoy the jackass cause he says i don’t give him space. he doesn’t realize he’s the only place between these too horrible worlds i can go.

so im living in my car. which pisses him off more cause its a mess. and he tells people hes tired of me. and i really need to just go. get on a a plane and leave. but im not financially prepared. and i don’t know where to go. i want to live on my own and find my own place in the world. not just sponge off anyone else and live there lives.

and i am so frustrated with my life. and im stuck with these ginny pigs and they don’t get taken care of when im gone for the weekend.

how can someone work so hard, for almost twice minimum wage, and not be able to afford a place to live or food to eat. how can someone be surrounded by so many people who seem to care about her and be so lonely. how can i be in the relationships for so long and they not work out. how can i be so close to someone but be so far from them.

i describe him as Anima, from ff10. hes like that monster with the rib cage. and im fighting and fighting. and everyone once in a while the monster opens his ribs and starts flashing and you know thats when the shields down and you can attack. except when this monster opens his ribs, theres a very friendly, real, intelligent blue eyed boy sitting there and instead of attacks you throw some words in there, honest how you feel, and he hears a couple of them before he closes up again and turns the other way. and then you gotta fight so more until a couple months later you get that moment when Anima starts flashing again.

Everyone has something to look forward to. Everyone needs something to look forward to. This is the secret to escaping depression and suicide. pick one thing in your life, one little thing that you look forward to. Whether its watching a kid you know go on there first date, or seeing your favorite team go to the superbowl. If you have something, anything, you can take another step forward.

Right now, I have getting on the back of a motorcycle. That maybe it, but its something, for now. I need to go out and find me some opportunity.



Amazon Queen on Death Bed

i wear my heart on a sleeve for all the world to see

this is me. broken and bleeding

you call the things i write garbage
you claim the things i say are atomospheric trash
the way you laugh
constantly at my charecter
your eyes that roll
your head that turns
in the night you holding me only long enough for your satisfaction
then you push me out the door.

why do i do this to myself
its not your fault i stay
why i can’t i turn and walk away from your cold reception of me
you don’t want me
i know
others want me
i see
why am i still at your door step
for you to take me in.

who is this pathetic mess
waiting for the clock to tick
waiting for the text
that never comes
having no life but yours
life as your whore is a very lonely existence
what happened
to the amazon queen
i once knew.

Amazon Queen

Amazon Queen
of legends
warrior of heart and soul
bullet proof from harsh words and conformity
stood tall on her island
where others fell.

they tore down my tress
they uprooted my beautiful jungle
they ripped from the earth everything i held dear
burned my grass shack to the ground.
still i fought. one battle after another.

one man
the warrior of glass
through his spear
strait through my heart
watched me struggle in the sand
bleeding out. reaching
unsure of how to deal with the pain
having always been invincible
i thrash and struggle
he puts his weight on the end
the sharp blade digging deeper
the spears shaft driving through my body
pinning me to my island
i look at him with pity
let me go
but he ignores me
kicks dirt in my face
and walks away

and the once powerful Warrior Queen
finally learns to cry.

another weekend gone

another weekend gone, another monday. and yet this one i can’t stop thinking about. im afraid to move forward into a new day. afraid to learn that it was all nothing it was all fake and afraid to be smashed down. i had a good weekend. i don’t want it to be taken away by harsh words or someones mean text.

i did it. i let go. everything i described earlier of just wanting to let go and enjoy myself i did. sat night. i had one night where i stopped being the control freak. stopped hiding what i wanted and asked. i did something ill probably never do again and i really enjoyed it.

and now im not sure what to do. what can i do that can possibly compare with such an amazing night. i promised never to do it again. and i wont. i guess for one night i felt normal, loved, un-judged, and happy. and now im not sure what im supposed to do.

if the rest of my life could be like that night, where i can be myself and be loved without worrying about loosing everything, i would be happy. But i’m afraid to find out that that’s impossible and will never happen. So i’m afraid to move forward.

I guess I really have no choice. Heres to taking the first step and discovering if the future is as bleak and it seems.

im sad again at…

im sad again at just about every time it turns seven pm. i try to eat away my unhappiness thinking its the lack of food that does it. that just makes me unconfident and unhappy. at least when i starve im a good looking sad person.

im tired of being so damm alone. for most of my life ive had someone and now, im so empty.

i have all of these symptoms so if i seem like im ignoring you, im really not.

Symptoms of depression

  • Sadness or crying that you can’t explain
  • Major changes in the way you eat, such as not eating or over-eating
  • Being crabby, angry, worried or nervous
  • Feeling negative or not caring about anything
  • Feeling guilty or worthless
  • Thinking about death or committing suicide
  • Sleep changes, such as sleeping more or having trouble sleeping
  • Not being able to focus or make a decision
  • Not being able to enjoy the things you usually enjoy
  • Not wanting to spend time with your friends
  • Feeling restless or tired most of the time