do you know that im gone

he didn’t even realize i left! wth!

 

two days ago he bagged on me right after he said wed hang. yesterday he bagged on me and didn’t invite me. today he invited me then as soon as i got there left me alone to go spend time with his roomates. why am i in this mess.

im feeling so very alone lately. im crushing and hitting on everything that walks by with an unhealthy sense of desperateness. its like a horny dog that seeks intimacy instead of sex. men don’t know the difference.

feel like im in a dark place. but i guess thats nothing new.

 

———————

 

do you know that im gone

did you hear the silence as i fell away from you

is my absence noticed 

or are you so fixated on your games and tv shows and friends

that it hasn’t even registered

theres a hole in your world.

 

will you know when im dead

will you come to my funeral and pretend to cry

will you ask about me months after

what ever happened to that girl

that used to sit on you floor 

and stare at you

hoping you’d notice

before she was gone.

 

do you know that i’m here?

leaving

im leaving tonight. I didn’t tell him. I havent spoken to him in a long time. i don’t know why i didn’t say anything. i just wanna disappear from the world for a bit. let him know he’s not my world. let him know what it feels like to be left out of my life. like he leaves me out.

i’m taking a moment for myself. i need to get away for a bit. its all too much for me. im starting to crumble and forget myself. i wish I could take my board. but my family would flip out. and with all the other stuff im taking it would be hard to carry. i really would love to take it though. but then they’d make me take the helmet. and thats so not cool.

the moth is flying. away from the light. at least for a little while. if she would get around to changing her flight!

obsession and moth

ever think that a moth is obsessed to the point of suicidal. I mean clearly the bright thing they gravitate to is bad for them. But they’ll hurl themselves at it to the point of insanity. Recking there bodies against windows, burning themselves in fire, catching there wings in the surrounding webs over and over and over again. I mean this is what obsession does to people right. Makes a person want something thats bad for you no matter how much it hurts.

Passion

Watching Glee   the whitney episode. lots of emotion in this one. makes me think while watching kurt sing to blaine.

 

My life lacks passion. Its filled with Hate and Guilt. I’m watching him sing and i remember when I did that, when I felt that way. I need to find myself again. I need to reinvent myself. I need to cut off the rotten part of me and grow new wings. Let go of the guilt I feel for ruining someones life. Let go of the anger, jelousy and hate I feel towards the other one. Theres a reason why its all not working out.

 

Spread my wings and fly and find myself again.

Eyes Open – Taylor Swift

 

i am so Katniss.  she was still in the game even when she wasn’t in the arena. thats the whole point of the book right. that the real battle takes place outside. and thats why Peeta was the strong one. because he could charm and smooze and she was just icy cold and struggled to find a personality and to play the social game. Yep. That’d be me. Katniss to the fullest.  I’m tough as nails and definitely a survivor, but i suck bad with people. And yet i watch him sit there and make everyone love him and can’t come close to doing the same.

should i blog about hunger games instead of myself? more interesting. hmm… ill make a separate post just for Hunger Games since it seems not many people “Get it.” they seem to think its like “twilight” because she’s a teenager. Uh, the books are nothing alike. No its not twilight meets truman show like it is in the movie. Its so much more. but I think im running low on computer time so maybe later.

The song talks about the world watching, waiting for you to falter, for there own entertainment. (at least for me, do what you like with it its art its how you relate not concrete).  And I  can really relate with this. Because I see people all day take pleasure in watching people fail. celebrities getting fat, divorced, in rehab. This is entertainment. I see people at work happy to gossip about breakups, and people getting fired, and waiting to swoop in and take their spots. This is no futuristic sci fi. Its a satire on our culture. Both in the movies (aka the arena) or in there private lives (i.e. tabloids etc), the games (entertainment) never ends.

So much more i want to write about these books but it’ll have to be later cause again, im starting to burn out from sugar over load. till then, read the book. its cool if you like social engineering, or books like the Giver, Santa Olivia, or the Host by Stephanie Meyers, I like Utopian societies and books about how altering societies causes people to act. Its a good look at humans in general and how they tend to act as a group.

 

 

 

mush stuff

 

you made me the angel
with the blood soaked wings
and the sick twisted mind filled with
very many scary things

you made me see through a mess of red
as you laughed with your minions and placed pins in my head
the little card with the little label
saying
“she belongs here. she is just a boring insect”
under my name
you hold me in place
and think i wont fight back.

but you chose the wrong little bug to play with.

see my twisted mind
remembers many things
and above them all
that karma brings

thrice fold over
what you give you get
so i’ll be the good one
cause your time hasn’t come yet

you poured your bucket
on my happy face
your cruelty keeps me nailed in place
and i wait
bidding my time
when its your turn.

i long to fly but they trap me here
day after orange clad day
year after spagetti straped and tank topped year
waiting for my wings to dry
waiting to take flight into the night
knowing that i am different
and will always remain
not of this world.

frustrated

i feel nothing but frustration lately. total drain on my creative energy. this place is sucking at my soul!

todays rant

 

hey i forgot about my venting zone.

i guess it can always get worse.

so last post, my sweet job had been taken, my personal life screwed, and i was planning my escape.

so i did what they say, stuck with the shit they gave me, so i could get a transfer.

and what do they do… they put me on 90 probabation destroying my chances of a transfer.

umm how fucked am i.

a woman who hates me, writes me a nasty review. no other management was present during the time. i no long have that job. the things she said about me are not true. and now my current job suffers.

there gonna give me a game plan to “pull me through.” no regards whatsoever on how im doing. my coworkers are shocked.

meanwhile, the current staff that took my place can’t do a quarter of the work i did. just look up and see the store as a disaster.

so what do i do. do i play nice. do i quit. do i throw tantrums in the big wigs office.

fuck i hate this place.

random blurb

so im not supposed to vent or express myself never show weakness.

this is the problem. always have to be the alpha. always have to be better than everybody else. can’t ask for help. look how far thats getting us.

i can’t figure anyone out these days.

relatioship

this is what a relationship is to me:

partners – one suffers both suffer. one prospers, both prosper. equal living conditions, if one starves, the other splits whatever they have and they both eat something. real partners are there for eachother when the other falters or needs help.

decisions – big life decisions that affect both of them are at least talked about and both sides give opinions. moving, new jobs, things that take time away from them being together. not “i’ll make this decision and if it doesn’t work oh well.”

living – if people never ever intend to comprimise and live together, then the relationship isn’t ever headed anywhere. how can you like someone but not stand the idea of living with them.

im tired of being a fuck toy.